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1 week ago
FUCK FUCK FUCK
LEAVE ME ALONE
EVERYONE
Fuck I can;t even like fuckkkkfufkcifk
Ok so Luke and Elora went to prom together
BIG FUCKING DEAL
WHY DOES EVERYONE FEEL THE NEED TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT
I DONT LIKE HER. WE GET THAT, EVERYONE GETS THAT.
She’s a caniving b itch that has been saying to me for years about how she “has him wrapped around her finger” and “is just waitinf unril he matures and looks good to make her move”
shes been saying this shit for years NO WONDER I am not her biggest fan!
so she broke up with Tyler, then asked Luke to prom big whoop
he insists on telling me he doesn’t even want to go with her. he tels me over and over that he doesnt want to get with her
then I hear that the reason she broke up with Tyler is because she made out with Luke.
Oh and after prom she slept over Lukes house
I DONT CARE.
BUT DONT LIE TO ME
fuck at least have the respect TO NOT FUCKING LIE TO MY FACE
IM JUST ANGRY
I don’t care if he likes her I really truly don’t, cool, go be happy whatever you can;t help how you feel
but don’t lie to me
I can’t stand being lied to it’s my biggest thing
dont fucking lie to me
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2 weeks ago
hmph
I hate being
alonelonely.I hate the feeling of lonlyness.
Doesn’t everybody?
If it’s one thing I miss about plymouth it is Kyle. I try not to dwell on that stuff often but hm.
On nights like this, when I have the whole place to myself, I wih I had someone to call up and say hey come over let’s cuddle.
But I don’t have anyone like that here.
It’s not so bad, it’s just lonely. I suppose it’s a good thing that I haven’t latched on to someone here to use them as some sort of support.
I just hate knowing I am going to be sitting here for two days with nothing to do and no one to really hang out with.
Hm
It was probably the forst time in a while that I had felt like I wanted a friends with bennefits again but I think I am well past that phase.
Oh well I will leave the midnight trysts to my roommate, since I now totally know shes hooking up with Jake little Jake.
She left a condom wrapper on the floor… haha
I can;t wait to say something she will turn so red
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2 weeks ago
Hello lads and ladies
long time no see, am I right?
Shits been goin on yo.
Too much to talk about now, I am lazy as you all are well aware of that.
SO in synopsis, I got drunk with my friends in which I told Luke off and got really mad and told him to fuck off and then ranted about how I was fine that he rejected me to which he replied:
“I didn’t reject you!”
I shushed him, and told him that I was fine with it and had moved on but he was a fucking dumb friend for being so awkward and terrible
and then he got up and threw up everythwere hmm and didn’t remember much the next morning…
SO he texts me a day later saying he’s had me on his mind, and thinks I am a great friend and values our friendship and is sick of the awkwardness. I tell him we will always be good friends and it will fade eventually since we have nothing to be awkward about.
So a week goes by and I hang out with N. I. P yesterday,
FOR REFERENCE ALWAYS: N. I. P stands for Niggas in Paris, the group name for me, Jack, Josh, Brandi, and Luke. SO I will always refer to the group as N.I.P or NIP.
ANyways so hanging with N.I.P at Jacks house, and Luke comes last we all talk for a half hour in which Luke and I say no words to each other. We decide to leave and hit Dunks, and Luke just gets in his car and says he is going home…. weird, but we had all planned ona fire at my house the next night so it wasn’t too weird since we would all see ach other the next night
I text him the next morning and say “Hey no matter what the group does today we should get together beforehand. I think all we need is a quality talk like old times.”
He responds and says “I am so glad you said something, I honestly thought we were fading and it made me really upset.”
So I went and picked him up later in the day, since he got locked out of his house and car pshh… and yeah. We talked for like two hours and it was so great and I was very forward and said everything I felt and we laughed and hugged and it was great.
Then the others came over, and we had a fire with music, and ots of snacks, ad the playful witty banter between Luke and I that I had missed so much.
I missed it SO MUCH.
YES
I could say so much more but I want to respect Lukes privacy about all the stuff he ended up saying about everything but basically we are very good, back to normal.
In some recess if my mind, I am a bit sad I know nothing will happen between us ona romantic level.
BUT WHO CARES WE ARE SUCH BADASS FRIENDS.
ugh this fucking summer will rule I am sooijdfjn excited.
I am so excited Luke and I are good.
woo
School is almost over too
Final Tuesday, and one Wednesday then DONE MY SOPHOMORE YEAR
ILL BE A JUNIOR WHAT THE FUCKERY
Celebratory dinner with N.I.P on Thursday. yes
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1 month ago
Anonymous asked: I do not understand the difference between foreplay and sex?
Just a note, I usually don’t respond to anonymous questions! If you ask me off anon, I will reply privately back to you :)
I’ll make an exception though since this is pretty general :D
I can understand that some people consider every intimate action sex
but the dictionary defines foreplay as, “Sexual activity that precedes intercourse”
So it’s basically absolutely anything you do prior intercourse/penetration/fucking whatever you want to call it
So for example: Kissing, hand jobs, blow jobs, role playing, teasing, literally anything you do before sex.
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1 month ago
It frustrates me
Post about sex, blah blah, may get graphic at the end, blah warning blah blah you’ve been warned.When people have such a hard time figuring out what I need.
Even when I tell them..
I can count the number of people I have told on one hand, the amount of people I have ever felt close enough to tell. (three to be exact)
I have this disconnect, when it comes to sex.
I am not ashamed to say how much I want it, or to be open about it, or anything but when it comes down to it, to looking that person in the eye and saying “This is what I want, what I need, and I’m asking you”
It’s so hard for me, I try to convey in every possible way other than words and it never works out. My innate need to please others has grown so strong, that it overshadows my ability to be able to say “I’ll do anything for you, but I need you to do this for me sometimes”
It’s even worse when they dont understand, when they look at me and say ‘no thats not you, psh’
It frustrates me, I feel embarassed. I pride myself on being such a strong individual, I can handle myself and I am loud and outgoing and take what I want but when it comes to sex, it’s such the opposite and it’s SO HARD for me to admitt that to people, I don’t even know why!
This is nothing new, and it happend so long ago now but the fact that he scoffed at me crushed me inside.
Sure I like being dominant, I have a dominant personality. The closer friends we are, the more I am a dominating precense it’s just how it works. I am brash, and loud, and say everything I think and don’t feel the need to hide it. And sometimes that’s ALL PEOPLE SEE and when I contradict that it’s hard for them to put it together but I don’t see why
Yes I think it’s fun to be dominant in sex, it’s fun to be a tease, and a flirt, it’s natural for me, it’s easy but it’s not what I need.
I even am having a ahrd time writing it down! I know I’ve said it generally many times on here, and to some of my partners, but never specifics and it just grates at me kind of.
I ust feel like whenever it comes to relationships, I am such a dominant personality that that is what people get accustomed to. In pretty much every single encounter, except one, this is how it goes:
We get to know each other and they get occustomed to how I am, loud, and in control, and I whine and complain, and get what I want, and blah blah blah and then we start getting physical and usually I ALWAYS have to make the first move. I have to be the dominant, I have to get the ball rolling, and then we get MORE physical and I just blah I switch. And then every person I’m with likes when I’m dominant, and thinks its sexy, and so there we go we get into a pattern and then I FINALLY am like okay okay I feel comfortable I’ll tell you what I want
And then there’s this like. what? like hm
You? Submissive? That’s crazy talk. Don’t be silly psh, that’s not like you
Literally had someone say that to me to my face as they scoffed.
whats wrong with being both ways?
seriously
Sometimes I like to be in control, and decide what we do, and how we do it.
And other times I like to be completely submissive.
It’s this big inner rolling demon inside of me, I just CANT tell people! I don’t know why!
I can’t tell people that I want to be held down, and fucked within an inch of my life. I can;t tell people that I want them to command me, and yank my hair, and whisper dirty filthy things into my ear, that I want to be treated like a complete slut. Becasue sometimes I do! Sometimes that really turns me on! I want someone to make me beg for it, to torture me until I can’t think straight,
sure sex is great but it’s the foreplay that gets me. I have just never realized that I want long torturous bouts of foreplay, kdfjhvfzigh
WHAT IS EVEN WRONG WITH THAT
The sad part is I didn’t even KNOW that’s what I wanted until Brianna got drunk that one fateful night.
Sure I know I liked being a bit submissive sometimes, but I attributed it to mostly me being lazy. (I am serious)
SO brianna got pretty drunk one night, dragged me to her room, and I have NEVER. BEEN. THE SAME.
And it has taken me months to come to terms with this since I was confused, and embarrassed.
ugh I feel deflated, I just hate that like yeah I’m a big personality, I am demanding, and if we have a thing I will push you down and have my fucking way with you when I want.
But sometimesss
sometimes I just want what nobody seems to be able to give me without scoffing.
I’m sos cik of becoming emotionally invested in people who are dumb.
What’s wrong with being a little slutty geeze. NOTHING. as long as you’re ot the type of slutty that has sex with anybody pshh close your legs!
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1 month ago
Also
Can we just talk about the other night at Brandis
Me, Josh, Jack, Luke, Brandi (usual group) and Luke brought Jimmy!!!! I was so shocked.
And Like me and Jimmy hug every time we say hello, and every time we say bye and Luke and I used to too… so when they left like Jimmy walked up to with Luke in tow, and like Higged me and there was OBVIOUS AWKWARD since neither Luke or I made for a hug.
hm
stupid shit like this should not be complicated
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1 month ago
blah
There is such nothing to talk about it is not even funny.
I’m pretty much trying to move on from Luke, and I am doing a pretty good job of it I think.
I don’t dream about him anymore, and I used to dream about him every night, or every other. It was ridiculous.
But I don’t anymore.
I think talking to him and just acting normal helped.
SO long story really condensed:
Went to Dartmouth with Winter Percussion for Nesba finals.
I went on the bus becasue like, why would I drive with Alexa and Brandi… when I can sit with my friends that I don’t always see.
Oh first, walked through the lobby doors and he’s leaning right in front of it staring at me. I just waked past and talked to Dan and David. Awkward.
So I sat in the back seat of the bus with Jack, and Luke sat in the seat across from us with no one. The while two hours there I didn’t speak to him. I was talking to Jack and Luke had already put headphones in but I could see everytime he looked at me out of the corner of my eye, and he didn’t think I was paying attention. It was quite a lot until the bus started rolling. Then he just leaned forward on the seat and fell asleep.
The bus stopped finally (two hours later) and we were sitting there waiting to get off and I was like alright fuck this… and just started asking him about how his ipad was and the comparisons of computers, he asked me about my ipad blah blah he looked surprised I had said anything.
So we get inside and there is still more weird we dont walk with each other or talk directly.
I lied this will be a long story I need to write and get more tired.
So we had like a half hour of time between getting to the loading dock, and the trucks getting there, The guys start acting really weird… I think in a ten minute period I was forced to touch dans butt, Luke wrapped his legs around dans waist and then started doing crunches in the air… Alexa got hit in the face by someones sticks, and I caught Brian trying to lick his elbow or something weird so then yeah
So Luke and Brian start goofing off as usual, and they started goofing with me, ah it felt nice.
(Last year in Winter, We were a little threesome. We called ourselves ‘Team’ and we were epic and awesome. The three of us were like inseparable a lot of Dayton last year.)
So anyways Brian walks up and is talking about how I am the only one who cab decide, and asks me who has the better butt. Luke and Brian both start showing off their butts and I swear we had already gone over this months ago but I pretended to be appraising then I was like “Yeah, definitely Brian. Damn!” and it was funny. Btian comes up to me a few minutes later and he’s like, “I’m 6 and 0! My butt rules.” hahaha
So then they come up to me a few minutes later and Brian demands I choose who has the better boobs. Him and Luke are just staring at me.. I am like what the fuck I can’t see your boobs guys. “Then touch them!!” Brian said in a very frantic tone… I looked them both in the eye and started smilng and was like woohoo okay!
Felt all up on their chests and I was like “I have to give this one to Luke, although I am not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing…”
They both started laughing and pushing me and Brian accused me only trying to make him feel better since Brian “OBVIOUSLY had all the right equipment”
SIDE STORY
So I have to just say how absolutely aweosme it has been to become close to Brian. He’s the type of kid that just… never knew how to talk to girls. Still to this day, even though he is more comfortable, he just doesn’t really like touch them and fool around with them so I’m glad we are so close. He ALWAYS let’s me hug him whenever I want, something I had to work so hard to get with him. He is picky with who he hugs, like real hugs. And it’s just so obvious how cool he is with me and it makes my heart swell. He just does things he usually only does with the guys, like touches me without asking, or when we talk he always steps up super close to me so our foreheads are almost touching and he lets me compliment him now without glaring at me or telling me I’m dumb. I honestly love him so fucking much, I feel like so many people under appreciate him.
I was with some of Maxs friends at his birthday party, an they were saying how Brian is an asshole, or something. I got so defensive. grr
Anyways, I love Brian. He’s a kid I know I will be friends with for a LONG time and he knows it.
END SIDE RANTING
So after the chest feels it was better… so they warmed up, played the show, blah blah blah then after before the award ceremony we were all standing somewhere int he gym ina big grouo talking and joking and Luke was finally normal (ish) he was bumping into me, and treating me like a group member again, and him and Eric talked to me about UNH since they are both coming here next year.
Yeah…that…
And so I forget what I was talking to Luke about, the convo died down and he was just like, “So… are you uh.. are you sitting with Jack on the way home?”
I was actually considering sitting with Luke, so I was like “Uhh…. uhm, uhh.. I was..uh.. I was actually going to sit with you?”
And he was like okay cool. And acted all noncholante and we had to walk somewhere and seperated.
SO bus ride home I sat with him and we talked. IT was weird, and strained in a way.
Brian jumped into our seat and was like “Team!!” and we all laughed a bit and I was like “Wow you guys really grew, almost exactly a year ago now all three of us could fit on one bus seat and now Brian is hanging out of it.”
It was weird to think about.
Anyways, The whole bus was silent, sleeping. And we were the only ones talking sort of. SO everyone around us could hear everything we said… he kept saying things like, “I’ve been so much thinking lately about so many things..” I would ask him what about, and he would look around before shrugging. Obviously not feeling comfortable talking about whatever it was on the bus. We spoke of life, and how absolutely desperate we both were for the summer.
Luke is just so.. lost? I guess. It’s hard for me, I don’t know what to do I want to help and I can’t. He’s just.. he seems so sad.
He kept talking about how much change there was, no more high school, or winter, or anything. Going to school, a school he never intended on going although he didn’t say that to me. It must hurt to be weight listed from your top two.
I told him how Matt and Nick might get jobs away from Salem this summer, Luke looked so crushed…
We talked about new years, and how we wished we had done it at his house like we had the past two or three years? I can’t remember how many but yeah.
Idk it was so wishy washy. We were squished together, and you know when you are talking to someone and you flance at them, say a sentence and look away and such?
Well, you know when that doesn’t happen and you end up looking at each other too long? Yup. that was the whole time. We just would look up at eachother and say stuff and then..just look. For a bit too long, every time, ugh
Then I mentioned how I have been listening to Fleet Foxes, and how I went right home a night after hanging out with him and Jimmy and downloaded them to fall asleep to. His face lit up he was like “No way!! since when!! I fell asleep to them on the ride here” So he put on Fleet Foxes and we both got a headphone and just chilled out.
Earlier Luke had meantioned how he was going to miss things like *makes hand motion* he pointed to the seat in front of us where Brian ad Billie were kind of snuggling to get into a comfy position, I think they have a thing? or something? and I was like oh band relationships? he nodded and didn’t know what to say.
SO when we were listening to music he kept commenting on how there were no comfortable sleeping positions.. and ugh OBVIOUSLY if we had cuddled up it would be. Nick and I did it all last year, and it’s perfectly comfortable and nt weird since Nick and I were just friends. But Like I didn’t say anything! I can’t assume things with Luke, he implies something heavily and then can turn around and say “That’s not what I meant” It terrifies me so I just agreed with him and we both ended up falling asleep inweird sitting positions. I woke up a bit later with my head on his shoulder, and his head on mine. We must have been woken from the same bump, becasue we both simultaniously shifted away once we realized and I was like wtf is. going. on.
yup what the fuck
Then we got off the bus, and he unloaded, I waited for Daniel to drive him home, and Luke walked by me like seven times and never said bye to me.
I don’t KNOW what the fuck any of this means. I NEED to move on but he is making it SO HARD
sending me such mixed sgnals all the time, telling me how much he adores hanging out with me, and me being around, and our friendship, and now hes going to unh, and verytime he mentions how he CANT WAIT for the summer I just keep hearing him say “We have all summer to see where things go..”
I definitely do not feel for him as much as I used to. And I might not feel anythong for him in another month, when we both get out of school.
But he’s coming here next year.
We are going to be around each other (or have the capability to be) for the next two years straight.
I’m so confused as to how I should feel and what I should do.
But hey, this beets being really fuking depressed all the time, right?
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1 month ago
Okay okay
I video chat rose while I wrote that and I already feel better.
The rest of life is alright.
I am stressed with classes, and making my schedule for next year. i fucked up last semester and I am paying for it with the need to take five classes two semesters in a row and FUCK it will suck.
Next years classes are difficult and blegh
Right after I wrote that I got a guy with a 9 in tiny tower
fuck yes
Anyshways
Did I also mention Luke tweeted like a few weeks ago that he was 99% sure he would be going to UNH
hmm I did my squinty eyes -_-
He wanted Emerson or Ithica to go for film. And if he didn’t get accepted to that, then UNH for math? what? I enver considered it a possibility I just always assumed he would go where he wanted. His brother and I both did. It’s odd.
It makes me feel odd
I just want everything back to the way it was ugh
So I am giving out this blog to David. Hi! and maybe some other people?
But I could only think of mayeb Sammy just because I feel this weird creepy online onnection with her since I am too shy to talk to her in person
(me? shy? I know, weird concept)
But I would be afraid she would accidently tell Derek stuff or something idek how close they are or anything idk
And I talk about guys and girls, and touching myself, and rage moments, and my depression phases, and farther back things all about suicide and crying and oh god
maybe I shouldn’t giv this out ahaha
But sammy is just a thought. Because of our creepy online connection….
I need to get to bed, tomorrow will be a shit show I am sure.
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1 month ago
Oh fuck me
I am so screwed.
fuc
ucke;difbsldfj
Luke and I are so totally awkward now. Ugh it’s been about a month.
And he just like, is weird towards me. We dance around each other and it’s awkward and timid and ugh…
I hate it. It depresses me to no end, my stomach twists up in knotts and I hate it.
hate
it
He is just not MY Luke anymore. He’s not Luke my close friend. He’;s this weird Luke who doesn’t underdstand my hand hold, and doesn’t hug me goodbye, and doesn’t greet me with a smile.
He’s not the Luke that chooses to sit next to me. Or the one that tells dumb jokes
I told him I like him and know he treats me like a typical girl.
Typical. Girl.
Like I don’t even know, like he needs to be cool and elusive or something
OR
he is just so put off by me that he wants nothing to do with me and doesnt have the BALLS TO TELL ME
FUCK YOU
UGH
He said things liek
“I’m glad you told me”
“I wish you had told me earlier”
“We have all summer to see where things go”
“I wish I didn’t have mono right now”
“I wish I didn’t have so much going on, I just need some time to chill”
And then I said “this wont be awkward right” and he said “No, now give me a hug” and we hugged and I cracked his back and he told me it felt good and then we laughed and then he got out of the car and I wanted to kind of cry since it felt like it might be a mistake but Iw as just so happy at the time I had gotten the courage to do it but anyways like everything he said about needing time and stuff like
I TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD. I wasn’t expecting anything from him, I was DEFINITELY expecting worse things for him to say. I didn’t expect anything.
ARENT THOSE ALL POSITIVE NORMAL-ISH THINGS?!?!?! ARENT THOSE ALL KIND OF POSITIVE.
What I DID EXPECT was him to fucking BE NORMAL
He told me he liked me last year and NOTHING CHANGED when I didn’t return the sentiment
If anything we got closer that summer
and FUCK
FUCK HIM
FUCK
I HATE MY DECISION
I hate that I told him
I hate everything
I hate it becasue now my feelings are just turning into anger, rage, and frustration
I am starting to resent the way he makes me feel, and his face, and everything about him
And if this keeps going the way things go with me
I will hate him in another month or two
legitmately strongly dislike his presence with no hint to what feelings I had, as they would be destroyed by then
ugh
fuck that stupid little boy
I really need to start going for men older than me
I just went to type”Maturity is what Luke lacks”
BUT THATS NOT EVEN TRUE
FUCK YOU LUKE
FUCK
YOU
AND YOUR PERFECT JAWLINE AND FLAWLESS FACE
FUCK
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2 months ago
I TOLD HIM
Oh goddd so yesterday he commented on our secret group
(Josh, Jack, Brandi, Luke, and I are all in a group on facebook so we can easily plan hang outs with our little gang and talk.)
Usually its just the four of us, but yesterday Luke commented ona thread that had been up for a few days about hanging out and said like, “I am excited for this!”
so I was like JSHBDJADHB MAX HE IS GOING YES YES
Max was sitting with me since we were preparing to watch The Walking Dead in my apartment. So anyways Max was on my facebook clicking around and then Luke messaged me. Max was like “alex…..uhh…” and had this huge grin on his face I was like
klfdbvfjhb okay
So we talked a bit about hwo he has mono really bad, and how hes in winter, and such a such. Then I was like yo you should let me drive you to Brandis tomorrow! he was like okay why. I said so we can not rive alone and listen to chill tunes!
Anyways we all hang out, Brandi just got two newborn kittens. Luke is crazy about cats he has secret cat skills so he was so happy. Luke wanted to go the Cheesecake factory but everyone shot him down UGH
So we went to the 99 and had dinner.
So hanging out with him washed away any fears of telling him, we just have such OBVIOUS and RIDICULOUS chemistry.
I had a little scare when he asked Jack to drive him home becasue he felt bad making me leave early? But it didn’t matter since all three of the guys had to go home early to sleep to be up for the connecticut show at four in th morning.
So I wrangled him back into my car and we drove most of the way in silence listening to some sweet music he put on.
Then as we were pulling off of 111 I was just like
“Hey can I tell you something.” He was like of course.
And I paused for legitimately a minute before basically saying that I have feelings for him and I have for a while.
And he said wow I wish you had said something at the beginning of the drive, this is kind of a long conversation.
I was like lifdjbljfhb
anyways we talked and I told him before he could even say anything that I knew he was going through way too much stress with schools apps, the court thing, winter, mono, his last breakup, etc etc and that I didn’t expect anything from him other than us to be nromal and never awkward now
he was like things would never be weird or awkward blah blah we have all summer to see where things go I am so sorry I wish I didn’t have mono and that there wasn’t so much on my plate but we will talk and don’t worry
We talked about how everyone knew for the longest times, and why I hadn;t said anything before. And how oblivious he was and we laughed and sat in silence and then laughed and like. gah it was kind of funny and a lot more comfortable than I thought and the looks he gave me ugh
but he had to go to sleep so I said bye
and we hugged and I let him go
And I feel fantastic. I don;t even know if anything will happen or anything, but I just feel so proud of myself for saying something.
hmmmmmm
I am so happy.
I spent the rest of the night sitting talking with my mom and dad, listening to old music and looking at pictures and just hanging out. So perfect.
Everything is alright lately I am so happy.
It’s freezing in here.
But I am in my (still new to me) huge bed.
I can predict a really great orgasm for tonight, since I still have the look in Lukes eyes and the amazing smell of him fresh in my mind
I am creepy
but turned on so
I don’t care
